Qualities of a Good Friend

onlinecounsellingcollege:

1. Respectful; is interested in your point of view

2. Caring and considerate

3. Understanding and supportive

4. Encouraging and affirming

5. Doesn’t belittle or put your down

6. Co-operative, adaptive and flexible

7. Willing to negotiate and compromise

8. Able to discuss disagreements openly; values honest communication

9.  Can admit when they are wrong, and are willing to apologise

10. Wants the best for you; isn’t threatened by your achievements and successes.

(via teenytinychild)

postcutearchives:

Rising Up Without Burning Out

(via pretty-corny)

sexxxisbeautiful:

selfcareafterrape:

For the purpose of this piece, please understand that I am using relationship to mean ‘prolonged human coexistence’ it could be an abusive friendship, an abusive parent, an abusive member of your community.
1. Abusive relationships almost always have honeymoon periods.
Which means some, maybe even a lot, of your memories of said abuser may be good memories.
And you may miss those parts of them.
Missing the ‘good’ parts of them, loving the good parts of them even, does not excuse the bad things they did to you.
It doesn’t make it better, or not as bad, since sometimes you laughed and had fun. It doesn’t change the fact that they were, or still are, abusive.
2. Abusers are, by nature, manipulative.
They’ll gaslight you- make you feel as if you’re the one who abused them. Abusers know that when they make their victims feel as if they’re the ones who did wrong- the person usually feels guilty. And in feeling guilty they usually double up on the ‘If I loved you enough/behaved enough this wouldn’t bother me/you wouldn’t do this’ mantra that a lot of survivors have.
They make you feel like you deserve what they did to you. That they’re the good guys really, in the whole situation. They were punishing you so that you could learn- and thus become a better person.
All of these things are wrong though. It isn’t true. They were not the good guys. But the fact that you sometimes, you have conflicted feelings- because you began to believe them- believe that you deserved those things…. it doesn’t change the terrible reality of what abuse is.
and it doesn’t make what happened to you less significant.
3. Stockholm Syndrome/Traumatic Bonding
Traumatic bonding is “strong emotional ties that develop between two persons where one person intermittently harasses, beats, threatens, abuses, or intimidates the other.” 
In abuse- especially in those who went through traumatic bonding or suffer from Stockholm syndrome… there is a lot of denial that the bad things are going on. 
When going through these things… people cling to whatever small ‘kindness’ that they can find. They often truly care for their abusers, partially in an attempt to make the bad things not as bad, or happen less.
Bonds like that can be hard to break. It is not your fault for struggling.
4. You feel like you owe(d) them.
A lot of abusive relationships start off with abusers doing really nice things. And then calling in ‘debts’. This kind of goes along with the honey moon phase stuff- but not always. This may be more extreme than just a honeymoon phase.
These are people who step in and ‘fix’ situations (some legitimate- some not) in order to call on it later and be like, “well, I mean.. I did do soandso for you.”
Looking back on these events, you may still feel a lot of gratitude. That doesn’t change the rest of what happened.
5. You were made to believe that it was as good as it gets.
This is usually done in a combination. First, they insult you. Try to ruin your concept of self-worth as much as possible. Remind you that no one will ever love you.
and then they step in and say that its okay because they’ll always be there. That no one will ever love you like they loved you.
It can be very hard to change these thoughts. They work very hard to make us believe them. It is not your fault that you are struggling to fix the wreckage they left.
6. You were young.
Children do not always realize that sexual touch is wrong. Especially when abusers tell them that its okay. That its their special secret. That its a prize for good behavior.
You are not at fault for having believed those things- and for occasionally slipping back into that mindset. It is not your fault that felt special as a child, and thus your memories are ‘positive’. 
You are not broken.
———
Having positive memories of your abuser, missing parts of what they were to you, even loving them…
does not mean you are wrong. it doesn’t make what they did okay.
You are trying to heal from a terrible thing, and no one can fault you for where you are at on your journey.
Having conflicted feelings does not make you wrong, it just makes you human.

Wow yea I needed to read this tonight. Thank you.

sexxxisbeautiful:

selfcareafterrape:


For the purpose of this piece, please understand that I am using relationship to mean ‘prolonged human coexistence’ it could be an abusive friendship, an abusive parent, an abusive member of your community.

1. Abusive relationships almost always have honeymoon periods.


Which means some, maybe even a lot, of your memories of said abuser may be good memories.

And you may miss those parts of them.

Missing the ‘good’ parts of them, loving the good parts of them even, does not excuse the bad things they did to you.

It doesn’t make it better, or not as bad, since sometimes you laughed and had fun. It doesn’t change the fact that they were, or still are, abusive.

2. Abusers are, by nature, manipulative.


They’ll gaslight you- make you feel as if you’re the one who abused them. Abusers know that when they make their victims feel as if they’re the ones who did wrong- the person usually feels guilty. And in feeling guilty they usually double up on the ‘If I loved you enough/behaved enough this wouldn’t bother me/you wouldn’t do this’ mantra that a lot of survivors have.

They make you feel like you deserve what they did to you. That they’re the good guys really, in the whole situation. They were punishing you so that you could learn- and thus become a better person.

All of these things are wrong though. It isn’t true. They were not the good guys. But the fact that you sometimes, you have conflicted feelings- because you began to believe them- believe that you deserved those things…. it doesn’t change the terrible reality of what abuse is.

and it doesn’t make what happened to you less significant.

3. Stockholm Syndrome/Traumatic Bonding


Traumatic bonding is “strong emotional ties that develop between two persons where one person intermittently harasses, beats, threatens, abuses, or intimidates the other.” 

In abuse- especially in those who went through traumatic bonding or suffer from Stockholm syndrome… there is a lot of denial that the bad things are going on. 

When going through these things… people cling to whatever small ‘kindness’ that they can find. They often truly care for their abusers, partially in an attempt to make the bad things not as bad, or happen less.

Bonds like that can be hard to break. It is not your fault for struggling.

4. You feel like you owe(d) them.


A lot of abusive relationships start off with abusers doing really nice things. And then calling in ‘debts’. This kind of goes along with the honey moon phase stuff- but not always. This may be more extreme than just a honeymoon phase.

These are people who step in and ‘fix’ situations (some legitimate- some not) in order to call on it later and be like, “well, I mean.. I did do soandso for you.”

Looking back on these events, you may still feel a lot of gratitude. That doesn’t change the rest of what happened.

5. You were made to believe that it was as good as it gets.


This is usually done in a combination. First, they insult you. Try to ruin your concept of self-worth as much as possible. Remind you that no one will ever love you.

and then they step in and say that its okay because they’ll always be there. That no one will ever love you like they loved you.

It can be very hard to change these thoughts. They work very hard to make us believe them. It is not your fault that you are struggling to fix the wreckage they left.

6. You were young.


Children do not always realize that sexual touch is wrong. Especially when abusers tell them that its okay. That its their special secret. That its a prize for good behavior.

You are not at fault for having believed those things- and for occasionally slipping back into that mindset. It is not your fault that felt special as a child, and thus your memories are ‘positive’. 

You are not broken.

———

Having positive memories of your abuser, missing parts of what they were to you, even loving them…

does not mean you are wrong. it doesn’t make what they did okay.

You are trying to heal from a terrible thing, and no one can fault you for where you are at on your journey.

Having conflicted feelings does not make you wrong, it just makes you human.

Wow yea I needed to read this tonight. Thank you.

(via pearlsnapbutton)

yoursecretary:

page 14 from the worst: A Compilation Zine on Grief and Loss.  Talks about radical response to death and loss, + how to support someone who is grieving. (click image to go to printable pdf)
[image description: a cut n paste zine page from the worst #1: A Compilation Zine on Grief and Loss. Text reads:
“Circle what you think you might need:
for me to come and hold you
for me to stay outside your door but play you some music
for me to play music for you inside your room
for me to ask you questions
for me to just be near and be silent
for me to hold your hand while you call your other family
to talk about the rest of the family
to go outside and scream
to talk about anything but this death
to get away from here
go to a movie
distraction
acknowledgment
some kind of ceremony
to get the rest of the roommates out of the house
to get the rest of the roommates to stop giving you uncomfortable looks
to get people to stop trying to cheer you up
to tell everyone else that this is the anniversary day
to tell you that all the mixed things you feel are okay
to tell you the things i love about you
to tell you that this is the worst thing you’ll ever know
to tell you that i want to know everything. it is not a burden.
circle what you think you might need. or write more. i want to be here for you. i want to be your friend”.]

yoursecretary:

page 14 from the worst: A Compilation Zine on Grief and Loss.  Talks about radical response to death and loss, + how to support someone who is grieving. (click image to go to printable pdf)

[image description: a cut n paste zine page from the worst #1: A Compilation Zine on Grief and Loss. Text reads:

“Circle what you think you might need:

  • for me to come and hold you
  • for me to stay outside your door but play you some music
  • for me to play music for you inside your room
  • for me to ask you questions
  • for me to just be near and be silent
  • for me to hold your hand while you call your other family
  • to talk about the rest of the family
  • to go outside and scream
  • to talk about anything but this death
  • to get away from here
  • go to a movie
  • distraction
  • acknowledgment
  • some kind of ceremony
  • to get the rest of the roommates out of the house
  • to get the rest of the roommates to stop giving you uncomfortable looks
  • to get people to stop trying to cheer you up
  • to tell everyone else that this is the anniversary day
  • to tell you that all the mixed things you feel are okay
  • to tell you the things i love about you
  • to tell you that this is the worst thing you’ll ever know
  • to tell you that i want to know everything. it is not a burden.

circle what you think you might need. or write more. i want to be here for you. i want to be your friend”.]

(via hotgothmom)


Jenny holzer In a dream you saw a way to survive and you were full of joy.

Jenny holzer
In a dream you saw a way to survive and you were full of joy.

(Source: euo, via horrorproportions)

"

THE WARNING SIGNS OF ABUSE

  1. He speaks disrespectfully about his former partners.
  2. He is disrespectful toward you.
  3. He does favors for you that you don’t want or puts on such a show of generosity that it makes you uncomfortable.
  4. He is controlling.
  5. He is possessive.
  6. Nothing is ever his fault.
  7. He is self-centered.
  8. He pressures you for sex.
  9. He gets serious too quickly about the relationship.
  10. He intimidates you when he’s angry.
  11. He has double standards.
  12. He has negative attitudes toward women.
  13. He treats you differently around other people.
  14. He appears to be attracted to vulnerability.
"

excerpt from the book Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft

Putting this out there for a couple of reasons.

One, for those who may suspect they’re in an abusive situation, this book was written by a therapist for abusive and controlling men, and there’s some good insight on how these men’s actions ripple outward to affect their partners and children.

Two, because the myth of the Male Virgin’s Justified Anger is garbage. These are not men who suddenly turned violent against women as a result of repeated (real or perceived) rejection. These are not men who would cast aside their poisonous ideology were they to enter a relationship. These are abusers who didn’t have the opportunity to abuse within a committed relationship, and instead released their poison on strangers.

 

(via crankyskirt)

the full book is (at least right now) available as a PDF here.

(via isabelthespy)

(via resistdestruction)

upagainstthefuckingwall:

This is so important.

upagainstthefuckingwall:

This is so important.

(Source: ranchh, via nailpolishandfishsticks)

bebinn:

mysalivaismygifttotheworld:

afrafemme:

A friend and I were out with our kids when another family’s two-year-old came up. She began hugging my friend’s 18-month-old, following her around and smiling at her. My friend’s little girl looked like she wasn’t so sure she liked this, and at that moment the other little girl’s mom came up and got down on her little girl’s level to talk to her.

“Honey, can you listen to me for a moment? I’m glad you’ve found a new friend, but you need to make sure to look at her face to see if she likes it when you hug her. And if she doesn’t like it, you need to give her space. Okay?”

Two years old, and already her mother was teaching her about consent.

My daughter Sally likes to color on herself with markers. I tell her it’s her body, so it’s her choice. Sometimes she writes her name, sometimes she draws flowers or patterns. The other day I heard her talking to her brother, a marker in her hand.

“Bobby, do you mind if I color on your leg?”

Bobby smiled and moved himself closer to his sister. She began drawing a pattern on his leg with a marker while he watched, fascinated. Later, she began coloring on the sole of his foot. After each stoke, he pulled his foot back, laughing. I looked over to see what was causing the commotion, and Sally turned to me.

“He doesn’t mind if I do this,” she explained, “he is only moving his foot because it tickles. He thinks its funny.” And she was right. Already Bobby had extended his foot to her again, smiling as he did so.

What I find really fascinating about these two anecdotes is that they both deal with the consent of children not yet old enough to communicate verbally. In both stories, the older child must read the consent of the younger child through nonverbal cues. And even then, consent is not this ambiguous thing that is difficult to understand.

Teaching consent is ongoing, but it starts when children are very young. It involves both teaching children to pay attention to and respect others’ consent (or lack thereof) and teaching children that they should expect their own bodies and their own space to be respected—even by their parents and other relatives.

And if children of two or four can be expected to read the nonverbal cues and expressions of children not yet old enough to talk in order to assess whether there is consent, what excuse do full grown adults have?

I try to do this every day I go to nursery and gosh it makes me so happy to see it done elsewhere.

Yes, consent is nonsexual, too!

Not only that, but one of the reasons many child victims of sexual abuse don’t reach out is that they don’t have the understanding or words for what is happening to them, and why it isn’t okay. Teaching kids about consent helps them build better relationships and gives them the tools to seek help if they or a friend need our protection.

(via queerandpresentdanger)

f1oricu1ture:

Ugh. This pisses me off.

(Source: femininefreak, via thescarletwoman)